


jade green eyes turned white

by subtlyfailing



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Brother Feels, Canon Rewrite, Gen, Mind Control, What-If, dark raph, loss of self, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 11:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3895114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtlyfailing/pseuds/subtlyfailing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(or: what if the dark!raph story line hadn’t been over quite so quickly?)</p><p>no one sees that night on the rooftop when raph’s foot presses down on his thoat, his blade lifted and aimed at his jugular. no one is there to see the way everything just goes silent – or the way leo swears he sees raph’s hands shaking on his weapons before he slips out of consciousness.</p><p>(when he wakes, the roof is empty apart for a worn piece of red cloth pressed into leo’s hand.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	jade green eyes turned white

**.**

the first thing leo notices is the way raph carries himself -  the way he moves mechanically, as if something in him doesn’t _want_ to move.

 _raph?_ mikey whispers, tiny and scared, and then everything crumbles.

**.**

it begins the same; slash and rockwell are taken. taken, as testers, as trial, to be sent back to the lair on a cruel mission to shake the little family.

cold duty is the only thing slash feels, fingers curled around raph’s head as the leeches take hold. the serum works like this; it takes away all emotion, all rage, all love, leaving only cold indifference in its wake. slash remembers every moment of his life up to this point, he remembers raph’s warmth and his own cold mutation and the rooftop and the regrets – he remembers the bonds of brotherhood when leatherhead cries out to him – but there is no lucid part left who cares.

raph is seething, squirming – screaming with rage and fear and pain until the serum spreads through his brain like a disease. he is made a puppet, a puppet of the shredder’s making. a puppet designed only for one purpose; revenge.

this isn’t a glorified beta test. taking away one of the brothers is meant to be the endgame all along. shredder, with all his vile and cruel terror has always been clever; leonardo and raphael and michelangelo and donatello have everything to lose when it comes to each other, he knows this. 

shredder has a lifetime of knowledge of how to wound hamato yoshi – and he knows that family is the best and most terrible weakness. love makes you weak. oroku saki knows only the grips of obsession, possession, but that had been a weakness too –tang shen had been, karai had been (he realises this that fateful night of her mutation – clutching his daughter’s – _she is his daughter, his, his, his -_ warped, inhuman form to his chest).

love is weakness – one so very simple to exploit.

**.**

leo blames himself. he always does. this is the terror that haunts him at night, one of his brothers taken from him, his father bruised in front of him, leo himself powerless to stop it.

 _what kind of leader are you?_ whispers a tiny voice when he passes raph’s room, no sounds of drums or curses or that rock music that leo hated so much. _what kind of a brother are you? you can’t even look after your own family._

it is the only thing that can make him incautious; the safety of his brothers.

**.**

_there is no time for a plan,_ he tells donnie, drawing his swords. his scars tingle, approaching the shredder’s lair, but his hands are steady on his katanas, and that is all he needs.

**.**

inside, raphael’s own hands are just as steady on his sais. his head is swimming and it is ringing with danger – so , so much danger _(and the crawling of leeches, the endless crawling, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop make it-)_    

when the shredder speaks, everything goes cold.

**.**

there is no loophole to exploit in this story, butleo attempts it regardless. _break free, you jerk, come back to us, come back to us, come back to us._

it does not work. the world isn’t that simple. it’s cruel, so cruel.

**.**

raphael lifts his weapons, eyes white, tension in his shoulders as if all that he has ever been is struggling against all he now is. he names them all _enemies_ and leo  needs nothing more to attack (he is ready for this, fears it from the moment slash drags his little brother away, raph draws his weapons and leo is _ready_ ), mikey stumbles back, trembling, donnie, for once, does not know what to say.

brother pitted against brother. it is an ancient story, one told so many times before. cain striking abel dead, the blood on brutus’ hands as caesar falls,  oroku saki and hamato yoshi. raised together as brothers. rivalry and rage and jealousy that was allowed to go too, too far. until the night that changed it all. the blood of tang shen running red upon the ground, miwa’s screams, a raging fire.

it is equally cruel every time.

**.**

leo takes his brothers – his remaining brothers – and runs that night. and it’s so _simple,_ because raph was always the one to object to running away – the one to question his orders. leo has a counterargument hot on the tip of his tongue, but when he gives the order, no one objects.

he wants so badly to stay and fight; to finish this and make the shredder pay for everything he has done – for splinter and tang shen and karai and his own grueling scars, and for raph, but he _cant._ because even white eyed and rigid, raph still reads him like an open book - he still disarms him like it is something simple - and even with leatherhead tearing up everything and mikey being _focused_ for once, they are _losing._

when leo gives the order, no one objects and he wants to scream. but then mikey cries out _what about raph?_ and there is no time and leo promises to come back for him, he _promises_.

raph just laughs.

**.**

they come home to the lair  bruised and broken and without raphael.

their home feels as cold as during the invasion – as during the months at the farm when leo had laid broken. leo is awake now – he is awake, but his brother is gone - only a cold , unfeeling drone left in his wake.

the story belongs to his brothers as much as it belongs to raphael himself. what would happen to this little family when one of their own turns against them? karai had been taken away, her humanity forfeited in the shredder’s desperate hunt for revenge, and it had cut them deep. then their father fell in front of them, thrown aside by the shredder haphazardly, like garbage, and leonardo was tossed at their feet - a shattered shell, a broken body and a defeated mind - it had almost torn them apart.

but what when it is raph that’s taken from them?

raphael had always thought himself expendable, his life gladly forfeited for the safety of his brothers. it is a fatal flaw, one leo is so painfully aware of – he is the same, after all.

**.**

shredder is praising him, hand on his shoulder and something in him wants to feel angry and disgusted but he just feels _cold._

 _good, my apprentice,_ shredder says, as raph wipes blood from his hands that is not his own, feeling nothing.

. _very good._

_raph feels nothing but cold._

**.**

leo goes out alone most nights. he has no more brothers to lose, and the only thing worse than losing another, would be allowing any of them to die at the hands of one of their own.

 _(i will come back for you, i will not let shredder use you as a weapon,_ he promises, then he takes his brothers and runs. mikey is a mess of scratches and claw marks, donnie is beaten and bruised. _i will come back, brother. i swear._

raphael laughs as they run. a strangled, joyless sound.)

**.**

leo locks himself in his room that nights. curls up on the bed and tries to keep the silence of the lair at bay. it is all too quiet without raph – without the rhythmic beating of the punching bag, or his anger or his teasing or the comments that leo hates but that he would never, ever want to be without. _or the steadiness of his presence by his side._  

he traces his fingers over the nicks and groves in his twin blades. so many of them are there there because of raphael. because of years of training sessions or  arguments turned violent. raph’s sais are the same, nicked, scratched, battle worn like the cracks and groves in his shell.

there are scars on raph’s body that leo will never forgive himself for. even years after raph himself has forgiven him.

he has spent ten years trying to make up for the lightning-shaped crack in his plastron – for evey time his brother rolls the stiffness out of his shoulder or traces the dents and scars on his body with bored fingers.

**.**

the shredder takes away from raphael everything that is given to him by his family, everything that is truly _him_. his emotions, his impulsiveness, the fierceness with which he protects those he loves, even his sais are taken, substituted for offensive weapons, so much more deadly. 

leo tries, he tries so hard to egg him on, but raph stares at him with emotionless eyes and _doesn’t rage_. shredder has taken away all of him, including his anger, and leo thinks in hs private moments that this might be the cruelest thing oroku saki has ever done.

**.**

once, splinter comes looking for him. having seen too many nights of his sons coming home, bruised, battered, missing one.

 _my child,_ he says, and he looks tired, so tired. _break free of this_ , _come home._

if raph wishes to forget anything from the brainwashing, it’s this. it’s his father’s grief-stricken face when he calls him a _pathetic old fool_ – when he laughs until he’s dizzy and summons the shredder’s guards.

 _that’s right rodent,_ he bites, and the cruelty of the words will hunt his dreams for years. _run and hide like a mouse from a cat._

**.**

he wakes to the sounds of crawling leeches, to the sounds of steel clashing, and the screaming of voices too, too familiar; _wake up you bastard, you never obeyed anyone’s orders before, why would you start now?_ and _my child, this is not you, you must break free of this_ and _c’mon bro, you can have my comic books_ and _raph, just come home._

the serum takes so much of him away, but even now there are parts of his mind that he has been allowed to keep - the parts that remember his father’s lessons, the parts that remember his brothers’ faces, their names, their voices, the elegance that defines leo’s fighting, the impulsiveness that defines mikey’s, the careful deliberation that is donnie.

it’s the same parts of him that scream out to not fall asleep on enemy territory.

**.**

they meet on too many battlefields to count. leo doesn’t know if it’s on purpose or if it’s faith – if raphael is pulled towards them like a compass to north, as if everything in him tells him that _this is where he belongs._ (leo doesn’t dare to allow himself to believe that is the case, raph attacks and it is like a thunderstorm, leaving him shaking.)

he keeps calling out, looking for hope – for traces of his brother in those white-dead eyes.  raph has blood on his face that isn’t his own, and leo feels nausea wash over him, something hot and heavy constricting in his chest.

for fifteen years, raphael has been a heartbeat he has known as well as his own. for fifteen years raphael has been fire and iron and blood and anger and loyalty and training sessions at four in the morning when neither can sleep because of nightmares, but neither will ever admit to it. 

 _see me,_ he yells. the fight reaching a deadlock. _why won’t you see me?_

raphael crumbles up every one of his words and spits them back in his face. _i see a failure. a leader without a team, look at yourself brother, you are pathetic._

the words are so cold they frighten him. raph was always harsh, but never cruel. _this is not your brother’s words,_ leo tells himself, willing his hands not to tremble around his swords. his mind flashes back to sewers filled with mushroom spores and the cold, heavy fear turning to concrete in his chest. _this is not raphael._

or maybe it is. because raph beaten him in so many fights growing up, but here, on rooftops or in alleyways, the fight always, always reaches a deadlock.

**.**

or maybe it doesn’t. it doesn’t but no one knows because no one sees that night on the rooftop when raph’s foot presses down on his thoat, his blade lifted and aimed at his jugular. no one is there to see the way everything just _goes silent –_ or the way leo swears he sees raph’s hands shaking on his weapons before he slips out of consciousness.

(when he wakes, the roof is empty apart for a worn piece of red cloth pressed into leo’s hand.)

.

leo punches him the next time he sees him - drops his swords to the ground and launches out at every inch of raph that he can reach until he feels tired and empty. (he isn’t sure if it’s the rain or his own tears, but everything turns to blur and raph doesn’t say anything, he just watches him).  

.

leo will attempt to keep his smaller brothers out of it. to burden it all on his own two shoulders. to keep them hidden from the shredder’s mind control or from the shell of their own brother. (he comes back home with bruises on his neck and cuts on his cheeks and refuse to let donnie patch him up).

 _i won’t let you go out on your own again, leo. we’re a team, raph needs all of us!_ don yells some days. mike is just as angry, _raph is my brother too!_ he cries. his voice shaking and serious. it doesn’t suit him _._

leo shakes his head and tells them to stay put..

they don’t.   

**.**

neither of them are really any good at following orders. don and mike sneak out of the cave some days, tracking leads of their own – for chemicals for antidotes.

(leo comes home with a vial of raphael’s blood. donnie doesn’t ask how he managed to get it – he doesn’t need to. it’s written in every line of his brother’s face.

 _this should be enough to isolate the serum formula,_ donnie tells him, pretending his brother’s hands aren’t shaking when they had him the vial).

 they find raph on accident one day, striking a deal with one street gang or another. mikey jumps up before donnie can stop him, unable to control himself the second he hears raph call shredder ‘ _my master’._

 _raph!_ he manages to cry out before donnie drags him back down into hiding. raphael doesn’t hear, but donnie is frigid with temper _. mikey, are you crazy? we can’t take all of them by ourselves!_

_but raph-_

_that_ thing _isn’t raph, mikey! you gotta get it though your head! until we find an antidote, that thing is nothing more than a mindless drone of shredder’s making, now help me with these chemicals._

 

donnie rarely looks directly at raphael during all of this – when he does, it’s like he sees a diseased thing that he needs to fix.

mikey watches and kind of wants to vomit, but then raph turns to them and _doesn’t_ call donnie a smartass, and his youngest older brother’s control slips and he s _creams._

**.**

mikey launches at him during a fight, and for all raph is taught to expect, he _doesn’t_ expect the hug.

 _don’t worry bro,_ he hears, even as he lifts his weapon. _we’ll save you, so don’t worry._

and something in him hesitates. he doesn’t strike. it’s the same something that tells him to attack leo every time, because donnie had been _good_ at fighting, but always easy to beat, and mike was always _too unfocused._ he launches his shuriken, and they miss him by a foot, and raph rages even now, when his mind is not his own.  ( _stay focused, michelangelo._ he yells, and his voice is not his own, but there is desperation in it that is. _stay focused, fight back, or you will die)_

mikey launches forward and embraces him, and raph doesn’t strike. 

**.**

most of the time, leo doesn’t think he remembers anything from the months after shredder wounds him - only what little he has been able to pierce together from the small pieces of information mikey or april has told him. but there are nights when he swears he remembers the dark, stuffy bathroom and the ache of his own festering wounds and raph leaning over him whispering _please come back bro, i need you to come back, i- just please come back._

 _i came back,_ he thinks one night, clutching the length of tattered red cloth in his hand. _now you owe me to do the same._

.

 _we can’t stay here, it’s too risky!_ donnie argues. it _is_ risky, raph knows all their weaknesses, and all their deepest darkest secrets and now shredder has them, and don is _afraid -_ he has seen his family torn apart too many times already, he will not have it happen again.

but leo slams his palm down on the table, and yells _we’re not running away!_ and mikey nods _this is our home, and raph is our brother, we can’t leave!_

so they stay. donnie spends three days upgrading the lair’s security system, and the rest of the time looking over his shoulder, but the shredder never comes for them in their home.

donnie doesn’t really think it’s because he has forgotten to ask raph where it is.

**.**

the serum takes months to make and even longer to perfect and when raph finally, _finally_ wakes, he almost crumbles to the ground because he _feels so much._

leo’s fingers are gripping his shoulder and mikey is hugging him and donnie is crying and he is _shaking_ , he is shaking, but he feels so _warm_. 

**.**

imagine the _aftermath._

imagine raph stepping foot back into the lair after _months_ under enemy control – after months of crawling leeches and his entire body screaming danger at every corner. (shredder couldn’t take that away, that trained instinct. it was too much a part of him.)

imagine raph after this; maybe he doesn’t let his anger flare for weeks _._ he is too afraid for that – he has seen what his lack of control can lead to, after so many nights of going to sleep with his blades – shredder’s blades – stained red with his brothers’ blood.

there is a cut on leo’s cheek that will leave an ugly scar, donnie is limping, no matter how hard he tries not to let it show, mikey has scratches on his plastron that raph _remembers_ putting there (he had aimed for the heart – oh god, he had tried to kill him).

and what’s worse – they are all stepping on eggshells around him. treading lightly, like he is fragile. like he is cracked porcelain.

 

two weeks he spends wrapped in cotton, keeping himself carefully in check because his brothers dance around him like he is a time bomb, jumping at every widening of the eyes, exchanging glances at every semblance of a growl. (he sees them questioning if the serum worked, he sees it, raph draws his breath and balls his fists and _does not lose control_ ).

the first time he snaps, it’s at leo, because leo keeps dancing around him and speaking gently, and he doesn’t need that from anybody. _especially_ not from leo. ( _i need you to yell at me,_ he thinks. _i need you to tell me off – please leo, i need you to act like you don’t think i’m gonna kill you the second you turn your back, just please)_

so he snaps, drives his fist into the wall and yells at leo to just _stop treating him like a fuckin’ porcelain doll._ and he’s almost sure leo is drawing his blades with the speed he whirls around at him, but he doesn’t. instead he pulls him into a hug so fierce raph can’t breathe (and he swears it’s because of the hug, never because of the lump in his throat).

 _welcome back,_ leo whispers. strangled and quiet and with a voice that is shaking _. holy shit, raph. welcome back._

.

raph falls asleep to the sounds of mikey’s cartoons and donnie tinkering in his lab and their arguing and the quiet sound of leo’s training and splinter’s soaps, and it’s never as noisy as the crawling of leeches ever was.

when he wakes, leo’s wrapped around his right, hand clutching his, mikey is curled up at his left, and donnie is folded together at his feet.

.

_and he can_

_finally_

_breathe_

_._

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted: http://subtlyfailing.tumblr.com/post/118317070881/jade-green-eyes-turned-white-or-what-if-the


End file.
